I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
This kinda thing happens to me often
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Noah was an idiot.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
sigh