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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity