Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
don’t be scared
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef