Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
(Musicians.)
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.