A choir of Spring onions
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.