I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.