My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Attacked by a mop.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP