Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?