So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
A little too much information.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.