I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Things will get butter, keep churning
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
No. He’s not coming out to play
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.