Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.