Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful