I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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Tastes like chicken.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Print is alive and well!!!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
What if all the cashiers are married?