KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
You Might Also Like
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
why isn’t he texting back
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now