Chicago sounds lovely.
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.