[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
A short story of betrayal:
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.