Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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This fish is cracking me up
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Plant care tips
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each