If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Single and childfree like Jesus
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins