[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that