Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Somebody’s lying.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”