“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?