I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.