DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Meow
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.