[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…