*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Rambo Rambow
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.