(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
This is my pinned tweet
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Smells like a challenge to me
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.