Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.