I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
We like the way Dwight thinks
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.