ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
This checks out
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*