Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Inside you there are two wolves
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach