What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Guantanamo Bae
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*