The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.