Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
You Might Also Like
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!