[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Always.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Oh yeh? Explain this then
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.