Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.