The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The Weeknd is back
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July