What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.