Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
This is enough internet for the day.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless