Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
The options really are this bad