[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay