toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf