i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Breaking news:
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Dietest Coke
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.