wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes