Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
brian had himself a morning…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”