SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.