I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
What the hell happened here.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
<- sleeps well with others
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: