DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Roses are red
Violets are blue
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.