My dad.
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
WTF IS THAT!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Probably my best painting.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend