Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
house sitting!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
mariah carrie
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?