[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
You Might Also Like
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”